Porkins is a guest writer for today’s rant. He is a veteran ranter, and carries his metaphoric soap box with him wherever he goes. He is an otherwise average Joe, in middle name only.

Dear Drackles,

Why did you do it?  What possible compulsion led you to forage, week after miserable rainy week, for the thousands of of pieces of twigs, string, leaves, can pop top (?), and other detritus into the tiny hole in the side of the house.  Sure, it’s high up, in between the first and second floor and well protected from predators.  But seriously, didn’t the noise, wind, and heat lower the market value of that particular piece of property?  It’s not like there is a shortage of places to build a nest in my back yard.  In fact, there are two other trees within 25 feet of the dryer vent.

I tried to be tolerant.  I refrained from destroying your first nest until our vent was so blocked that our clothes were not drying any more and the whole laundry room smelled like it was going to start on fire.  So I ripped your budding home to shreds.  When you started building it the second time, I again waited in the hopes you wouldn’t block it up completely.  You did.  And as a result, your straw fortress was besieged and destroyed with the battering ram of my fist.  The third time, you were quite stealthy.  I didn’t even know you had come back until I noticed that my clothes were again not drying and that there was no more dryer lint accumulating on the patio out back, being that there was a giant wall of mud covering it.  How the hell did you get so much mud up there anyway?  You don’t have any thumbs!

So I did what any calm, sensible, rational man would do – I destroyed your home for the third, and what I hope will be the final time.

Look, I’m not a monster.  I don’t take pleasure in the destruction of what surely took you a lot of time and effort to build.  I was also very careful this last time when completely destroying your nest as I was fearful that there would be babies or eggs, though I was sure that the heat from the dryer would have cooked them completely.  But given the choice between your comfort and my dryer starting on fire, you’re going to lose every time.  Sorry, but that’s just the way it is.

Save us both a lot of time and effort – just build your nest in a tree like normal birds instead of trying to be sly and building it inside of a brick enclosure.